It had been two weeks and one day. Two weeks and one day since I broke things off with Cole. Two weeks since he started things with Hannah. I was broken up about it inside, but I was able to hide my emotions pretty well. People knew I was angry. No one knew how much I really had liked Cole Davis. Whenever the topic was brought up I'd say a couple bitter words then laugh it off saying how stupid it was cos they had never even met.
There was something I couldn't hide my feelings from.. It had only been two weeks and one day, but already my arm was filled with scratches, scratches that began getting deeper and deeper. The first time I saw him after the break up he acted like nothing had changed. To me it had. I forced myself to get angry, to be bitter. I wouldn't let him I know I was hurt. This was the start of our play-hate relationship. We'd insult each other. Make faces. Send glares. And if he really pissed me off, I'd kick him.
It was March 13th, I was wearing a tight pair of jeans and a gray spaghetti strapped shirt which brought out my eyes and chest. I dressed that way to impress Cole, instead I caught someone else's eye..Nathan Roshaven. We flirted quite merciless, in front of Cole. He was against us. I overheard him trying to talk Nathan out of liking me. "You can't hurt her..you're moving soon."
Yeah, the Roshavens were moving to Alabama as soon as someone bought their house. That didn't bother me. I was strangely okay with it. Maybe I was just desperate for a rebound, or maybe I really was into Nathan. He was tall, slim with a six pack (he took his shirt off once..don't ask me why cos I don't know), tan skin, golden brown eyes, shaggy brown hair that fell past his ears, a hilarious sense of humor and a skater sort of clothing style.
We were on and off from the beginning of March to the end of April. He broke up with me five times. My friends thought I was insane for always going back out with him.. The truth is I would've gone out with him a last time if he had asked. He was my first "official" boyfriend. The farthest we made it was when we WEREN'T dating, he grabbed my hand and let go. He sat in my lap. And asked for four hugs in one night. We had talked about kissing, but never made it that far. Before he left he ened up dating Hannah Lutz (my new best friend at the time).
You're probably thinking.. What the hell is up with these Hannahs?? Trust me..I was too xD Hannah L. was back and forth between Nathan and Nick (Nathan's best friend). Nathan moved away in early June. Hannah L. was now dating Nick. Cole and Hannah C. almost made it six months..Cole dumped her after meeting some girls at his church week retreat. Nick broke up with Hannah L. after three months. He had no reason..he was just being a jackass.
In October me and Cole got back together. We flirted around for three weeks and went out for one. He broke up with me for our religious differences.. I'm Presbyterrian and he's Baptist. There's not too much of a difference there. I wasn't hurt as I was with our first breakup. I laughed and called him a fag. He had to have Gabe (his new best friend) in the room basically holding his hand. Cole was the one upset this time. He walked around the rest of the night with his head down. Worst part ever, he was giving me a ride home.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Chapter Two-Living in the Past, Cole Davis.
My cutting increased to a weekly thing. I had an appointment with my razor every Thursday night. Whether my previous cuts had healed or not. In time I moved farther down my arm. This was around the time I met HIM.
I had recently rebuilt my friendship with Ashton Drury. She invited me to try her youth group that took place on Fridys nights from 8-11pm, Wayside. Eager for a chance at meeting new people I agreed. It took some major begging, but finally I convinced my step-dad to let me go. Ashton is one of those loud, outgoing people, that you love the moment you meet her.
Wayside was a HUGE church with lots of people. Yet, Ashton personally knew and introduced me to almost every single one of them. All of the faces were a blur that night, well all but one. He was a tall guy with light blonde hair that stopped a little below his ears, the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen, toned arms, and a smile that turned on my inner giggly girly side. A side I didn't know existed.
Ashton must've noticed me eyeing him up because she told me he was taken by a girl named Angie. Well, that sent me back to reality. I was a girl with a big nose, way too much acni, hiding scars under my long sleeves while longing for a guy way out of my league, or so I thought anyway.
Cole began asking Ashton questions about me. How old I was, what my interests were, and if I was coming back. I did come back. Cole started hanging out with us. When we went places for the church activity he always sat next to me. He brushed and bumped into me 'accidently.' I found myself making up excuses to message him on facebook by asking questions I already knew the answers to.
One night he told me he asked me out. I declined because my mom was against dating. We formed a relationship without the label. He was the first guy to put his arm around me. He was the first guy to hug me so tightly. He was the first guy to call me beautiful, hot, pretty, and gorgeous. He was the first guy to hug me from behind. He was the first shoulder I ever rested my head on. I was his first for all this too. Everything was going amazingly until March.
I was going away on a weekend retreat with my church. My lowselft esteem kicked in an I began to worry about the relationship between Hannah (my best friend at the time) and Cole. They had begun talking on facebook and on the phone..without me. Cole had stopped calling me as much, his line was always busy. We hardly talked on facebook because he always took forever to reply to my ims.
The Morph Weekend retreat was all about our self worth in God's eyes. I was amazed. God drew me closer and closer to him. My self esteem as well as confidence rose. After a good talk with my youth leader Luis, I focused on only the good times with Mike. I no longer felt the need to turn to the razor for every problem I had. That's what my best friends, God, youth leaders, and Cole were for.
When I got home I couldn't wait for Cole's call. It was the first night I waited for a phone call from a boy that never came. Hannah called me and told me all about the conversations she had been having with Cole all weekend. Including the one they had just had..he forgot to call me because he was on the phone with her. In fear of being rejected I called Cole the next day and broke things off.
He sent me several messages asking why. I never answered him. I did however make Hannah ask him if he liked her. Just for confirmation as well as to prove to her that she really did like him. I accomplished both..only it wasn't such a happy accomplishment.
I had recently rebuilt my friendship with Ashton Drury. She invited me to try her youth group that took place on Fridys nights from 8-11pm, Wayside. Eager for a chance at meeting new people I agreed. It took some major begging, but finally I convinced my step-dad to let me go. Ashton is one of those loud, outgoing people, that you love the moment you meet her.
Wayside was a HUGE church with lots of people. Yet, Ashton personally knew and introduced me to almost every single one of them. All of the faces were a blur that night, well all but one. He was a tall guy with light blonde hair that stopped a little below his ears, the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen, toned arms, and a smile that turned on my inner giggly girly side. A side I didn't know existed.
Ashton must've noticed me eyeing him up because she told me he was taken by a girl named Angie. Well, that sent me back to reality. I was a girl with a big nose, way too much acni, hiding scars under my long sleeves while longing for a guy way out of my league, or so I thought anyway.
Cole began asking Ashton questions about me. How old I was, what my interests were, and if I was coming back. I did come back. Cole started hanging out with us. When we went places for the church activity he always sat next to me. He brushed and bumped into me 'accidently.' I found myself making up excuses to message him on facebook by asking questions I already knew the answers to.
One night he told me he asked me out. I declined because my mom was against dating. We formed a relationship without the label. He was the first guy to put his arm around me. He was the first guy to hug me so tightly. He was the first guy to call me beautiful, hot, pretty, and gorgeous. He was the first guy to hug me from behind. He was the first shoulder I ever rested my head on. I was his first for all this too. Everything was going amazingly until March.
I was going away on a weekend retreat with my church. My lowselft esteem kicked in an I began to worry about the relationship between Hannah (my best friend at the time) and Cole. They had begun talking on facebook and on the phone..without me. Cole had stopped calling me as much, his line was always busy. We hardly talked on facebook because he always took forever to reply to my ims.
The Morph Weekend retreat was all about our self worth in God's eyes. I was amazed. God drew me closer and closer to him. My self esteem as well as confidence rose. After a good talk with my youth leader Luis, I focused on only the good times with Mike. I no longer felt the need to turn to the razor for every problem I had. That's what my best friends, God, youth leaders, and Cole were for.
When I got home I couldn't wait for Cole's call. It was the first night I waited for a phone call from a boy that never came. Hannah called me and told me all about the conversations she had been having with Cole all weekend. Including the one they had just had..he forgot to call me because he was on the phone with her. In fear of being rejected I called Cole the next day and broke things off.
He sent me several messages asking why. I never answered him. I did however make Hannah ask him if he liked her. Just for confirmation as well as to prove to her that she really did like him. I accomplished both..only it wasn't such a happy accomplishment.
Chapter One-Living in the Past, Razorblades.
In order to fill you in on the present, I have to go back and fill you in on my past. Are you ready to travel back in time to about a year ago?
It was a night in December of 2008. don't remember the exact date. It was a chilly day for Florida, and I was cold. Not just on the outside, but on the inside too. A month and a half before, my older step brother committed suicide. His death launched me into great depression. I stopped smiling, I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping, but I never stopped crying.
My friends tried to understand me. I didn't believe they could, so I pushed them away. Everywhere I went I was reminded of him. The nights I did sleep, I was haunted with nightmares. I was mad at the world and even madder at God. I pushed him away too. Then I began to feel really alone.
Slowly I started recovering. I realized I needed my friends if I was going to get through this. I opened up to a few of them. They didn't understand what I was going through, but that didn't mean they couldn't listen. Everything started looking up again.
Mike's favorite football team, The Steelers, won the superbowl. I was so happy. He must've been cheering and rooting from heaven. That night I completely broke down. I texted people who swore they would always be there for me, no one answered. I felt empty. I felt alone. I felt numb. I wanted this feeling to go away, but it wouldn't.
Everything blurred. Now I was sitting in my bathroom holding a razor. I slashed my left shoulder over and over again. I couldn't stop. I was bleeding. The feeling of numbness and pain disappeared. A feeling of excitement and pleasure arose. I cleaned the razor. And I went to bed smiling, for the first time since Mike's death.
It was my special, secret way of making the pain stop. The pain only stayed away as long as the cuts were there. Once they healed up the pain came back and it was time to cut again. I wasn't emo..I certianly wasn't in any danger..It was just a couple of scratches on my shoulder.
It was a night in December of 2008. don't remember the exact date. It was a chilly day for Florida, and I was cold. Not just on the outside, but on the inside too. A month and a half before, my older step brother committed suicide. His death launched me into great depression. I stopped smiling, I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping, but I never stopped crying.
My friends tried to understand me. I didn't believe they could, so I pushed them away. Everywhere I went I was reminded of him. The nights I did sleep, I was haunted with nightmares. I was mad at the world and even madder at God. I pushed him away too. Then I began to feel really alone.
Slowly I started recovering. I realized I needed my friends if I was going to get through this. I opened up to a few of them. They didn't understand what I was going through, but that didn't mean they couldn't listen. Everything started looking up again.
Mike's favorite football team, The Steelers, won the superbowl. I was so happy. He must've been cheering and rooting from heaven. That night I completely broke down. I texted people who swore they would always be there for me, no one answered. I felt empty. I felt alone. I felt numb. I wanted this feeling to go away, but it wouldn't.
Everything blurred. Now I was sitting in my bathroom holding a razor. I slashed my left shoulder over and over again. I couldn't stop. I was bleeding. The feeling of numbness and pain disappeared. A feeling of excitement and pleasure arose. I cleaned the razor. And I went to bed smiling, for the first time since Mike's death.
It was my special, secret way of making the pain stop. The pain only stayed away as long as the cuts were there. Once they healed up the pain came back and it was time to cut again. I wasn't emo..I certianly wasn't in any danger..It was just a couple of scratches on my shoulder.
Intro
My name is Frances.. I'm a fifteen year old chick with raging hormones and a overdramatic, complicated life. Guys describe me as a girl with a big nose, pretty eyes, an attractive body, a horrible temper and mean right kick. Girls say I have too much acni, nice hair, big boobs, and a cool personality. They're in agreement with the guys about my temper and powerful right kick.
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