My cutting increased to a weekly thing. I had an appointment with my razor every Thursday night. Whether my previous cuts had healed or not. In time I moved farther down my arm. This was around the time I met HIM.
I had recently rebuilt my friendship with Ashton Drury. She invited me to try her youth group that took place on Fridys nights from 8-11pm, Wayside. Eager for a chance at meeting new people I agreed. It took some major begging, but finally I convinced my step-dad to let me go. Ashton is one of those loud, outgoing people, that you love the moment you meet her.
Wayside was a HUGE church with lots of people. Yet, Ashton personally knew and introduced me to almost every single one of them. All of the faces were a blur that night, well all but one. He was a tall guy with light blonde hair that stopped a little below his ears, the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen, toned arms, and a smile that turned on my inner giggly girly side. A side I didn't know existed.
Ashton must've noticed me eyeing him up because she told me he was taken by a girl named Angie. Well, that sent me back to reality. I was a girl with a big nose, way too much acni, hiding scars under my long sleeves while longing for a guy way out of my league, or so I thought anyway.
Cole began asking Ashton questions about me. How old I was, what my interests were, and if I was coming back. I did come back. Cole started hanging out with us. When we went places for the church activity he always sat next to me. He brushed and bumped into me 'accidently.' I found myself making up excuses to message him on facebook by asking questions I already knew the answers to.
One night he told me he asked me out. I declined because my mom was against dating. We formed a relationship without the label. He was the first guy to put his arm around me. He was the first guy to hug me so tightly. He was the first guy to call me beautiful, hot, pretty, and gorgeous. He was the first guy to hug me from behind. He was the first shoulder I ever rested my head on. I was his first for all this too. Everything was going amazingly until March.
I was going away on a weekend retreat with my church. My lowselft esteem kicked in an I began to worry about the relationship between Hannah (my best friend at the time) and Cole. They had begun talking on facebook and on the phone..without me. Cole had stopped calling me as much, his line was always busy. We hardly talked on facebook because he always took forever to reply to my ims.
The Morph Weekend retreat was all about our self worth in God's eyes. I was amazed. God drew me closer and closer to him. My self esteem as well as confidence rose. After a good talk with my youth leader Luis, I focused on only the good times with Mike. I no longer felt the need to turn to the razor for every problem I had. That's what my best friends, God, youth leaders, and Cole were for.
When I got home I couldn't wait for Cole's call. It was the first night I waited for a phone call from a boy that never came. Hannah called me and told me all about the conversations she had been having with Cole all weekend. Including the one they had just had..he forgot to call me because he was on the phone with her. In fear of being rejected I called Cole the next day and broke things off.
He sent me several messages asking why. I never answered him. I did however make Hannah ask him if he liked her. Just for confirmation as well as to prove to her that she really did like him. I accomplished both..only it wasn't such a happy accomplishment.
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