Living in the Past, My First..Everything

According to my step dad I was going down the wrong path in life. My grades weren't good enough to satisfy my mom. A girl I barely talked to accused me of having a weak spirtual walk. My friends were annoyed with me for pushing back hang out dates. I cried a lot. I ran a lot. And I cut a lot.


The Saturday hangout with Alexis was great. We went to the mall. Savannah, Ashton, and me rode the Merry Go Round cheering like six year olds. Alex and Alexis chilled at Game Stop while us girls looked around in Pac Sun, bought matching belts, and tried on hooker heels in DSW. For a while I was frustrated, me and Alexis were barely spending time together. I stole his phone and quickly scrolled through the texts.. his inbox was filled with girls. Pictures..texts..ilys.. He was quick to explain, and Alex was quick to back him up. After a few minutes I was able to shrug it off. Ashton, Savannah, Alex, and me were sitting on the couch across from Alexis. He was sitting alone. He asked if I was mad at him. I shook my head, sat next to him, and leaned into him. His eyes lit up, he smiled really wide, put his arm around me, and my anger completely vanished.

We decided to go back to Savannah and Ashton's house. Once we got there Ashton, me, and Alexis decided to go on a walk. At the mall he had given me his jacket. I had it tied around my waist. As we were walking I linked my arm with his. He laughed and said he felt like he was on a leash.. I let go saying sorry very sarcastically. He grabbed my hand.
"How do you like this?"

I blushed. I didn't like it. I loved it. I loved it a lot. He was the first boy to hold my hand. We walked back to the house and sat on the sidewalk. Alexis layed down in the grass and I leaned against him, we were still holding hands. He took his thumb and gently rubbed it back and forth against the back of my hand. The way he looked at me that night..the way he talked to me that night..made me feel like a million bucks.

We decided to go on another walk, farther away, Alex and Savannah came too. During the walk he had his arm around me, he held my hand, he hugged me, he kissed my neck, he kissed my cheek, he kissed my forehead, he kissed my collarbone, he kissed the top of my head, and on the way back he even gave me a piggy back ride. We ended up going to a bridge which had a canal running under it. Savannah suggested we all jump in, butt naked. I refused.

After a few minutes reality hit me hard. This place reminded me of a canal by my dad's old house. A canal Brian, my dad, me, and Mike had fished in..a lot. I teared up and had Ashton walk with me. I told her. She walked away to give me a few minutes to recover. I was crying. This whole night I had been happy, I hadn't even thought about Mike today! I was too caught up in a guy..Mike once told me if a guy ever hurt me he'd kick his ass. I started crying even harder.

"Why's she over there by herself?"
I heard Ashton explain the story to him.
"Is she crying? Oh my God..she's crying."

He came over to me. I turned away from him. I didn't want him to see me cry. Especially not on the first hang out.. He hugged me super tight. I burried my face in his shoulder. He softly told me everything was going to be alright. He told me he really liked me. He told me would never hurt me. He kissed the top of my head. After a few minutes I was able to calm down.. I apologized a million times, and a million times he told me not to apoligize for being sad, he told me it was okay. The bridge became kind of like our special spot..even though we never went there together again.

Throughout the entire night he made comments on how gorgeous my eyes were, how beautiful my smile was, and on how much he liked me. The way he was looking and talking to me showed that he didn't care. He liked me even thought both physically and mentally I was a mess. And I liked him for his gentle, caring and so understanding, big hazel eyes.

Living in the Past, Oh Those Hazel Eyes

The Colvin/George household had become an unhappy home. My mom and stepdad were drinking almost every night. They complained about me to one another when I was sitting in the same room. My self esteem crashed. Mike's one year anniversary came and went. And the cutting was, once again, a regular activity.

Most of my friends had no clue what was going on inside the closed doors of my home or behind my fake smile. In my seventh grade year I was doned a drama magnent and drama queen. No one paid much attention to the days when I was too tired to hide my emotions or the days it was too hot to hide the scars.. I focused mainly on my appearence and guys, it helped me forget about my problems. Being with someone who was bubbly and cute was a lot more fun then being with a emo depressed chick.


November 11, 2009 was a normal Wednesday night spent at youth group. I was wearing my short shorts,my red and white striped Abbey Dawn t-shirt, and my gray hightop converse. My hair looked nice, my eyes looked nice, and my makeup looked nice. I knew, because I had put an effort into my appearence that day hoping to respark Travers' interest in me. My plan failed, Travers barely noticed me.

After youth group I went home and got on the computer to check my messages. I had a couple. One was from Ashton telling me all about her older sister's boyfriend's best friend.

hey wats up?ok tonight u saw savnnah right? the guy that was hanging out with her not alex but the other one his name is alexis and he is really cool and everything and he says ur really hot and he he is into he says and yeah so here is his number 786-***-**** hes says to text him and ill tell him ur # if its ok. well good luck p.s. he is super funny and really nice. =]

I knew who she was talking about. A guy who sat in the back corner of the youth room with Savannah (Ashton's older sister)and her boyfriend, Alex. The only reason I knew who Alexis was, was because I had joked around with a few friends about his name being a chick name. Deciding it couldn't hurt to give him a shot, I texted him. We texted back and forth for a couple days and decided to hang out that coming Saturday.

Ashton and Savannah live within walking distance of my house. They called called me around four o'clock on Friday to tell me they were on there way over, WITH Alexis. I was in the middle of getting ready for a drama play I was performing in later that night. My hair was semi-messy and I had no makeup on. I was wearing capris, a dark brown loosely fitted shirt, and socks. Yes socks, no shoes, just SOCKS.

It was fifty degrees outside and I was freezing. We met on the corner of my block. When he walked up I couldn't help but smile, I got a fuzzy feeling in my stomach, and I dropped my gaze. The loud, obnoxious side of me was duct taped and thrown into a closet leaving the quiet and shy me left to fend for myself. His hair was black and extremely short, his skin was pale, he was a little bigger than average weight, and a couple inches taller than me. When I did look up, I couldn't look away from his eyes..Oh those hazel eyes.

After fifteen minutes or so they decided to leave. He followed Savannah and Alex as they started walking away, "What, I don't get a hug?" He turned around and grinned really big. Then he put his arms around me. It was the warmest, most comfortable hug I have ever recieved in my life. It lasted about thirty seconds. I stood at the corner watching them until they turned a corner and I couldn't see them anymore.

My phone started ringing. It was him, complaining about how I wasn't answering his texts. I hadn't felt my phone vibrate. I felt so special. We had just seen each other ten minutes ago, and he was already texting me again. I apologized for being a mess and asked what he thought of me. He said I wasn't a mess. He liked my straight hair, my stunning smile, my aboslutely gorgeous eyes, and how cute I was when I came out in just socks. I told him I loved his hazel eyes, his hair color, and his hug. The play went great. And I was extremely excited to hang out with him the next day..