Things weren't so great anymore. Alexis and I were fighting all the time. He, Ashton, Savannah, and Alex visted me on Christmas night. It wasn't a secret meeting this time. They drove over and parked in my yard. Alexis refused to hug me. He grabbed my ass a few times. He messed around by tripping me, but he hardly spoke to me. It was awkward. Savannah and Alex were having relationship issues and both took off.
Ashton and Alexis went for a walk with me around my block. I had been hoping for a kiss. Alexis had his mind on more important matters. Alex called..Savannah dumped him and he was lost. I got a quick hug from both of them and then they were off. Alex threatened to commit suicide. Alexis and Ashton had to talk him out of it.
Later that night Alexis called me. We straightened out every problem we were currently facing. We were good, at least, that's what I thought. Two days later I ended up chilling with Ashton. According to what Alexis told her, we were broken up and were still friends. My heart pretty much stopped. The one guy I gave my first everything to dumped me...through my best friend.
He and Savannah came over. She had been at his house all day. He pulled me into a hug, so tight, that he actually picked me up off the ground. Savannah gave me a bear hug as well. I was suspicious, but didn't say anything. They left. I let me emotions unravel and I cried my eyes out. Ashton didn't mind. She tried to comfort me, but I was too hurt.
When I got home I sought out the comforte of another, my razor. Four lines were drawn straight across my left wrist. I wasn't attractive. I was a horrible kisser. I had too many issues. I had to face the facts.. I wasn't good enough for any guy to want me. I was broken and I couldn't be fixed.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Living In The Past, Boner-iffic.
It was Friday, December 4th. It had almost been a month since me and Alexis had started talking. He told me the night before that he was going to kiss me tonight. I couldn't wait. We made a quick stop to Publix on our way to Wayside. Ashton needed to pick up a birthday balloon for one of her church friends. Alexis ended up buying himself a dollar worth of helium. Needless to say, we had an entertaining car ride.
Service was good, but my mind was on other things. We decided not to stay for the after activity. We left church at nine thirty and headed back to Ashton's house. I was spending the night. Alex and Savannah were home. We all hung out in the living room until Ashton's mom went to bed, requesting that the boys were gone by midnight. I was sitting on the couch. Alexis was on the computer. Ashton suddenly got an urgent phone call from a school friend and had to go outside. Alex and Savannah remembered they needed something from the bedroom.
Leaving me and Alexis in the living room, alone. He called me over to him and had me sit on his knee. We talked for a few minutes. Savannah and Alex popped out of nowhere.
"Aha-oh damn it.."
"SEE! I told you they weren't doing anything!"
Alexis and me laughed as they walked outside.
The way he was looking at me I could tell it was coming soon. My heart sped up and I couldn't look at him.
"Abbey, look at me."
I couldn't. He put his thumb under my chin and gently lifted my face up. I smiled shyly.
"I want my kiss now.." He whispered in a "sexy voice" and started leaning in towards me.
"Right noww?" I asked jerking my head away.
Stupidest question I think I've ever asked anyone in my life. He was obviously disappointed. I burried my face in his shoulder.
"See, I knew you were going to reject me!"
"I'm sorryyy."
"It's okay..if you're not ready then you don't have to kiss me."
"I want to though!"
I lifted my face up and stared at him, determined this time.
"I'm ready.."
We pop kissed, twice. I loved his smell. I loved his taste. I loved our kiss. After we pulled apart my heart was racing. I was smiling. My face was glowing. And my eyes were sparkling. It wasn't at all like I had thought it was going to be.. It was ten times better than I had expected.
We joined everyone outside, holding hands. I smiled at Ashton and gave her a certain look. She sent me a look back. After a while they all went inside and we decided to try making out. I was absolutely horrible at it. Savannah and Alex let me watch them making out so I could get an idea of it. We tried again. It was better, but still not that great. After fifteen minutes or so of making out and pop kissing we went inside.
Ashton spent the next four hours in her room. Savannah and Alex were on one couch. Me and Alexis were on the other. Making out, pop kissing, and cuddling. We had a few hilarious conversations going back in forth. It wasn't long before Savannah announced herself 'boner-iffic.' In other words, her boyfriend had gotten a boner. Directed by Alex, I was now laying on top of Alexis. A few minutes after the position change I felt something warm and stiff touching me just below my waist. I squealed, jumped off the couch, and stood staring wide-eyed at Alexis.
"What the hell?" Alex asked as he and Savannah glanced up at me in confusion.
"I-I-..I think I'm boner-iffic." I stuttered out in a small, quiet voice. Savannah later said I looked like I was about to burst into tears. The three of them busted out laughing. I was then congratulated my Savannah.
After I had calmed down a bit I returned to Alexis and we made out some more. Eventually, Ashton came out from her room and we all had to cool things down a little bit. The guys ended up leaving a little after three thirty. I was sad to watch them go. I deemed December 4, 2009 the best night of my life..and secretly I still kind of think it was.
Service was good, but my mind was on other things. We decided not to stay for the after activity. We left church at nine thirty and headed back to Ashton's house. I was spending the night. Alex and Savannah were home. We all hung out in the living room until Ashton's mom went to bed, requesting that the boys were gone by midnight. I was sitting on the couch. Alexis was on the computer. Ashton suddenly got an urgent phone call from a school friend and had to go outside. Alex and Savannah remembered they needed something from the bedroom.
Leaving me and Alexis in the living room, alone. He called me over to him and had me sit on his knee. We talked for a few minutes. Savannah and Alex popped out of nowhere.
"Aha-oh damn it.."
"SEE! I told you they weren't doing anything!"
Alexis and me laughed as they walked outside.
The way he was looking at me I could tell it was coming soon. My heart sped up and I couldn't look at him.
"Abbey, look at me."
I couldn't. He put his thumb under my chin and gently lifted my face up. I smiled shyly.
"I want my kiss now.." He whispered in a "sexy voice" and started leaning in towards me.
"Right noww?" I asked jerking my head away.
Stupidest question I think I've ever asked anyone in my life. He was obviously disappointed. I burried my face in his shoulder.
"See, I knew you were going to reject me!"
"I'm sorryyy."
"It's okay..if you're not ready then you don't have to kiss me."
"I want to though!"
I lifted my face up and stared at him, determined this time.
"I'm ready.."
We pop kissed, twice. I loved his smell. I loved his taste. I loved our kiss. After we pulled apart my heart was racing. I was smiling. My face was glowing. And my eyes were sparkling. It wasn't at all like I had thought it was going to be.. It was ten times better than I had expected.
We joined everyone outside, holding hands. I smiled at Ashton and gave her a certain look. She sent me a look back. After a while they all went inside and we decided to try making out. I was absolutely horrible at it. Savannah and Alex let me watch them making out so I could get an idea of it. We tried again. It was better, but still not that great. After fifteen minutes or so of making out and pop kissing we went inside.
Ashton spent the next four hours in her room. Savannah and Alex were on one couch. Me and Alexis were on the other. Making out, pop kissing, and cuddling. We had a few hilarious conversations going back in forth. It wasn't long before Savannah announced herself 'boner-iffic.' In other words, her boyfriend had gotten a boner. Directed by Alex, I was now laying on top of Alexis. A few minutes after the position change I felt something warm and stiff touching me just below my waist. I squealed, jumped off the couch, and stood staring wide-eyed at Alexis.
"What the hell?" Alex asked as he and Savannah glanced up at me in confusion.
"I-I-..I think I'm boner-iffic." I stuttered out in a small, quiet voice. Savannah later said I looked like I was about to burst into tears. The three of them busted out laughing. I was then congratulated my Savannah.
After I had calmed down a bit I returned to Alexis and we made out some more. Eventually, Ashton came out from her room and we all had to cool things down a little bit. The guys ended up leaving a little after three thirty. I was sad to watch them go. I deemed December 4, 2009 the best night of my life..and secretly I still kind of think it was.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Living in the Past, My First..Everything
According to my step dad I was going down the wrong path in life. My grades weren't good enough to satisfy my mom. A girl I barely talked to accused me of having a weak spirtual walk. My friends were annoyed with me for pushing back hang out dates. I cried a lot. I ran a lot. And I cut a lot.
The Saturday hangout with Alexis was great. We went to the mall. Savannah, Ashton, and me rode the Merry Go Round cheering like six year olds. Alex and Alexis chilled at Game Stop while us girls looked around in Pac Sun, bought matching belts, and tried on hooker heels in DSW. For a while I was frustrated, me and Alexis were barely spending time together. I stole his phone and quickly scrolled through the texts.. his inbox was filled with girls. Pictures..texts..ilys.. He was quick to explain, and Alex was quick to back him up. After a few minutes I was able to shrug it off. Ashton, Savannah, Alex, and me were sitting on the couch across from Alexis. He was sitting alone. He asked if I was mad at him. I shook my head, sat next to him, and leaned into him. His eyes lit up, he smiled really wide, put his arm around me, and my anger completely vanished.
We decided to go back to Savannah and Ashton's house. Once we got there Ashton, me, and Alexis decided to go on a walk. At the mall he had given me his jacket. I had it tied around my waist. As we were walking I linked my arm with his. He laughed and said he felt like he was on a leash.. I let go saying sorry very sarcastically. He grabbed my hand.
"How do you like this?"
I blushed. I didn't like it. I loved it. I loved it a lot. He was the first boy to hold my hand. We walked back to the house and sat on the sidewalk. Alexis layed down in the grass and I leaned against him, we were still holding hands. He took his thumb and gently rubbed it back and forth against the back of my hand. The way he looked at me that night..the way he talked to me that night..made me feel like a million bucks.
We decided to go on another walk, farther away, Alex and Savannah came too. During the walk he had his arm around me, he held my hand, he hugged me, he kissed my neck, he kissed my cheek, he kissed my forehead, he kissed my collarbone, he kissed the top of my head, and on the way back he even gave me a piggy back ride. We ended up going to a bridge which had a canal running under it. Savannah suggested we all jump in, butt naked. I refused.
After a few minutes reality hit me hard. This place reminded me of a canal by my dad's old house. A canal Brian, my dad, me, and Mike had fished in..a lot. I teared up and had Ashton walk with me. I told her. She walked away to give me a few minutes to recover. I was crying. This whole night I had been happy, I hadn't even thought about Mike today! I was too caught up in a guy..Mike once told me if a guy ever hurt me he'd kick his ass. I started crying even harder.
"Why's she over there by herself?"
I heard Ashton explain the story to him.
"Is she crying? Oh my God..she's crying."
He came over to me. I turned away from him. I didn't want him to see me cry. Especially not on the first hang out.. He hugged me super tight. I burried my face in his shoulder. He softly told me everything was going to be alright. He told me he really liked me. He told me would never hurt me. He kissed the top of my head. After a few minutes I was able to calm down.. I apologized a million times, and a million times he told me not to apoligize for being sad, he told me it was okay. The bridge became kind of like our special spot..even though we never went there together again.
Throughout the entire night he made comments on how gorgeous my eyes were, how beautiful my smile was, and on how much he liked me. The way he was looking and talking to me showed that he didn't care. He liked me even thought both physically and mentally I was a mess. And I liked him for his gentle, caring and so understanding, big hazel eyes.
The Saturday hangout with Alexis was great. We went to the mall. Savannah, Ashton, and me rode the Merry Go Round cheering like six year olds. Alex and Alexis chilled at Game Stop while us girls looked around in Pac Sun, bought matching belts, and tried on hooker heels in DSW. For a while I was frustrated, me and Alexis were barely spending time together. I stole his phone and quickly scrolled through the texts.. his inbox was filled with girls. Pictures..texts..ilys.. He was quick to explain, and Alex was quick to back him up. After a few minutes I was able to shrug it off. Ashton, Savannah, Alex, and me were sitting on the couch across from Alexis. He was sitting alone. He asked if I was mad at him. I shook my head, sat next to him, and leaned into him. His eyes lit up, he smiled really wide, put his arm around me, and my anger completely vanished.
We decided to go back to Savannah and Ashton's house. Once we got there Ashton, me, and Alexis decided to go on a walk. At the mall he had given me his jacket. I had it tied around my waist. As we were walking I linked my arm with his. He laughed and said he felt like he was on a leash.. I let go saying sorry very sarcastically. He grabbed my hand.
"How do you like this?"
I blushed. I didn't like it. I loved it. I loved it a lot. He was the first boy to hold my hand. We walked back to the house and sat on the sidewalk. Alexis layed down in the grass and I leaned against him, we were still holding hands. He took his thumb and gently rubbed it back and forth against the back of my hand. The way he looked at me that night..the way he talked to me that night..made me feel like a million bucks.
We decided to go on another walk, farther away, Alex and Savannah came too. During the walk he had his arm around me, he held my hand, he hugged me, he kissed my neck, he kissed my cheek, he kissed my forehead, he kissed my collarbone, he kissed the top of my head, and on the way back he even gave me a piggy back ride. We ended up going to a bridge which had a canal running under it. Savannah suggested we all jump in, butt naked. I refused.
After a few minutes reality hit me hard. This place reminded me of a canal by my dad's old house. A canal Brian, my dad, me, and Mike had fished in..a lot. I teared up and had Ashton walk with me. I told her. She walked away to give me a few minutes to recover. I was crying. This whole night I had been happy, I hadn't even thought about Mike today! I was too caught up in a guy..Mike once told me if a guy ever hurt me he'd kick his ass. I started crying even harder.
"Why's she over there by herself?"
I heard Ashton explain the story to him.
"Is she crying? Oh my God..she's crying."
He came over to me. I turned away from him. I didn't want him to see me cry. Especially not on the first hang out.. He hugged me super tight. I burried my face in his shoulder. He softly told me everything was going to be alright. He told me he really liked me. He told me would never hurt me. He kissed the top of my head. After a few minutes I was able to calm down.. I apologized a million times, and a million times he told me not to apoligize for being sad, he told me it was okay. The bridge became kind of like our special spot..even though we never went there together again.
Throughout the entire night he made comments on how gorgeous my eyes were, how beautiful my smile was, and on how much he liked me. The way he was looking and talking to me showed that he didn't care. He liked me even thought both physically and mentally I was a mess. And I liked him for his gentle, caring and so understanding, big hazel eyes.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Living in the Past, Oh Those Hazel Eyes
The Colvin/George household had become an unhappy home. My mom and stepdad were drinking almost every night. They complained about me to one another when I was sitting in the same room. My self esteem crashed. Mike's one year anniversary came and went. And the cutting was, once again, a regular activity.
Most of my friends had no clue what was going on inside the closed doors of my home or behind my fake smile. In my seventh grade year I was doned a drama magnent and drama queen. No one paid much attention to the days when I was too tired to hide my emotions or the days it was too hot to hide the scars.. I focused mainly on my appearence and guys, it helped me forget about my problems. Being with someone who was bubbly and cute was a lot more fun then being with a emo depressed chick.
November 11, 2009 was a normal Wednesday night spent at youth group. I was wearing my short shorts,my red and white striped Abbey Dawn t-shirt, and my gray hightop converse. My hair looked nice, my eyes looked nice, and my makeup looked nice. I knew, because I had put an effort into my appearence that day hoping to respark Travers' interest in me. My plan failed, Travers barely noticed me.
After youth group I went home and got on the computer to check my messages. I had a couple. One was from Ashton telling me all about her older sister's boyfriend's best friend.
hey wats up?ok tonight u saw savnnah right? the guy that was hanging out with her not alex but the other one his name is alexis and he is really cool and everything and he says ur really hot and he he is into he says and yeah so here is his number 786-***-**** hes says to text him and ill tell him ur # if its ok. well good luck p.s. he is super funny and really nice. =]
I knew who she was talking about. A guy who sat in the back corner of the youth room with Savannah (Ashton's older sister)and her boyfriend, Alex. The only reason I knew who Alexis was, was because I had joked around with a few friends about his name being a chick name. Deciding it couldn't hurt to give him a shot, I texted him. We texted back and forth for a couple days and decided to hang out that coming Saturday.
Ashton and Savannah live within walking distance of my house. They called called me around four o'clock on Friday to tell me they were on there way over, WITH Alexis. I was in the middle of getting ready for a drama play I was performing in later that night. My hair was semi-messy and I had no makeup on. I was wearing capris, a dark brown loosely fitted shirt, and socks. Yes socks, no shoes, just SOCKS.
It was fifty degrees outside and I was freezing. We met on the corner of my block. When he walked up I couldn't help but smile, I got a fuzzy feeling in my stomach, and I dropped my gaze. The loud, obnoxious side of me was duct taped and thrown into a closet leaving the quiet and shy me left to fend for myself. His hair was black and extremely short, his skin was pale, he was a little bigger than average weight, and a couple inches taller than me. When I did look up, I couldn't look away from his eyes..Oh those hazel eyes.
After fifteen minutes or so they decided to leave. He followed Savannah and Alex as they started walking away, "What, I don't get a hug?" He turned around and grinned really big. Then he put his arms around me. It was the warmest, most comfortable hug I have ever recieved in my life. It lasted about thirty seconds. I stood at the corner watching them until they turned a corner and I couldn't see them anymore.
My phone started ringing. It was him, complaining about how I wasn't answering his texts. I hadn't felt my phone vibrate. I felt so special. We had just seen each other ten minutes ago, and he was already texting me again. I apologized for being a mess and asked what he thought of me. He said I wasn't a mess. He liked my straight hair, my stunning smile, my aboslutely gorgeous eyes, and how cute I was when I came out in just socks. I told him I loved his hazel eyes, his hair color, and his hug. The play went great. And I was extremely excited to hang out with him the next day..
Most of my friends had no clue what was going on inside the closed doors of my home or behind my fake smile. In my seventh grade year I was doned a drama magnent and drama queen. No one paid much attention to the days when I was too tired to hide my emotions or the days it was too hot to hide the scars.. I focused mainly on my appearence and guys, it helped me forget about my problems. Being with someone who was bubbly and cute was a lot more fun then being with a emo depressed chick.
November 11, 2009 was a normal Wednesday night spent at youth group. I was wearing my short shorts,my red and white striped Abbey Dawn t-shirt, and my gray hightop converse. My hair looked nice, my eyes looked nice, and my makeup looked nice. I knew, because I had put an effort into my appearence that day hoping to respark Travers' interest in me. My plan failed, Travers barely noticed me.
After youth group I went home and got on the computer to check my messages. I had a couple. One was from Ashton telling me all about her older sister's boyfriend's best friend.
hey wats up?ok tonight u saw savnnah right? the guy that was hanging out with her not alex but the other one his name is alexis and he is really cool and everything and he says ur really hot and he he is into he says and yeah so here is his number 786-***-**** hes says to text him and ill tell him ur # if its ok. well good luck p.s. he is super funny and really nice. =]
I knew who she was talking about. A guy who sat in the back corner of the youth room with Savannah (Ashton's older sister)and her boyfriend, Alex. The only reason I knew who Alexis was, was because I had joked around with a few friends about his name being a chick name. Deciding it couldn't hurt to give him a shot, I texted him. We texted back and forth for a couple days and decided to hang out that coming Saturday.
Ashton and Savannah live within walking distance of my house. They called called me around four o'clock on Friday to tell me they were on there way over, WITH Alexis. I was in the middle of getting ready for a drama play I was performing in later that night. My hair was semi-messy and I had no makeup on. I was wearing capris, a dark brown loosely fitted shirt, and socks. Yes socks, no shoes, just SOCKS.
It was fifty degrees outside and I was freezing. We met on the corner of my block. When he walked up I couldn't help but smile, I got a fuzzy feeling in my stomach, and I dropped my gaze. The loud, obnoxious side of me was duct taped and thrown into a closet leaving the quiet and shy me left to fend for myself. His hair was black and extremely short, his skin was pale, he was a little bigger than average weight, and a couple inches taller than me. When I did look up, I couldn't look away from his eyes..Oh those hazel eyes.
After fifteen minutes or so they decided to leave. He followed Savannah and Alex as they started walking away, "What, I don't get a hug?" He turned around and grinned really big. Then he put his arms around me. It was the warmest, most comfortable hug I have ever recieved in my life. It lasted about thirty seconds. I stood at the corner watching them until they turned a corner and I couldn't see them anymore.
My phone started ringing. It was him, complaining about how I wasn't answering his texts. I hadn't felt my phone vibrate. I felt so special. We had just seen each other ten minutes ago, and he was already texting me again. I apologized for being a mess and asked what he thought of me. He said I wasn't a mess. He liked my straight hair, my stunning smile, my aboslutely gorgeous eyes, and how cute I was when I came out in just socks. I told him I loved his hazel eyes, his hair color, and his hug. The play went great. And I was extremely excited to hang out with him the next day..
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Living in the Past, Break Ups and Make Ups
It had been two weeks and one day. Two weeks and one day since I broke things off with Cole. Two weeks since he started things with Hannah. I was broken up about it inside, but I was able to hide my emotions pretty well. People knew I was angry. No one knew how much I really had liked Cole Davis. Whenever the topic was brought up I'd say a couple bitter words then laugh it off saying how stupid it was cos they had never even met.
There was something I couldn't hide my feelings from.. It had only been two weeks and one day, but already my arm was filled with scratches, scratches that began getting deeper and deeper. The first time I saw him after the break up he acted like nothing had changed. To me it had. I forced myself to get angry, to be bitter. I wouldn't let him I know I was hurt. This was the start of our play-hate relationship. We'd insult each other. Make faces. Send glares. And if he really pissed me off, I'd kick him.
It was March 13th, I was wearing a tight pair of jeans and a gray spaghetti strapped shirt which brought out my eyes and chest. I dressed that way to impress Cole, instead I caught someone else's eye..Nathan Roshaven. We flirted quite merciless, in front of Cole. He was against us. I overheard him trying to talk Nathan out of liking me. "You can't hurt her..you're moving soon."
Yeah, the Roshavens were moving to Alabama as soon as someone bought their house. That didn't bother me. I was strangely okay with it. Maybe I was just desperate for a rebound, or maybe I really was into Nathan. He was tall, slim with a six pack (he took his shirt off once..don't ask me why cos I don't know), tan skin, golden brown eyes, shaggy brown hair that fell past his ears, a hilarious sense of humor and a skater sort of clothing style.
We were on and off from the beginning of March to the end of April. He broke up with me five times. My friends thought I was insane for always going back out with him.. The truth is I would've gone out with him a last time if he had asked. He was my first "official" boyfriend. The farthest we made it was when we WEREN'T dating, he grabbed my hand and let go. He sat in my lap. And asked for four hugs in one night. We had talked about kissing, but never made it that far. Before he left he ened up dating Hannah Lutz (my new best friend at the time).
You're probably thinking.. What the hell is up with these Hannahs?? Trust me..I was too xD Hannah L. was back and forth between Nathan and Nick (Nathan's best friend). Nathan moved away in early June. Hannah L. was now dating Nick. Cole and Hannah C. almost made it six months..Cole dumped her after meeting some girls at his church week retreat. Nick broke up with Hannah L. after three months. He had no reason..he was just being a jackass.
In October me and Cole got back together. We flirted around for three weeks and went out for one. He broke up with me for our religious differences.. I'm Presbyterrian and he's Baptist. There's not too much of a difference there. I wasn't hurt as I was with our first breakup. I laughed and called him a fag. He had to have Gabe (his new best friend) in the room basically holding his hand. Cole was the one upset this time. He walked around the rest of the night with his head down. Worst part ever, he was giving me a ride home.
There was something I couldn't hide my feelings from.. It had only been two weeks and one day, but already my arm was filled with scratches, scratches that began getting deeper and deeper. The first time I saw him after the break up he acted like nothing had changed. To me it had. I forced myself to get angry, to be bitter. I wouldn't let him I know I was hurt. This was the start of our play-hate relationship. We'd insult each other. Make faces. Send glares. And if he really pissed me off, I'd kick him.
It was March 13th, I was wearing a tight pair of jeans and a gray spaghetti strapped shirt which brought out my eyes and chest. I dressed that way to impress Cole, instead I caught someone else's eye..Nathan Roshaven. We flirted quite merciless, in front of Cole. He was against us. I overheard him trying to talk Nathan out of liking me. "You can't hurt her..you're moving soon."
Yeah, the Roshavens were moving to Alabama as soon as someone bought their house. That didn't bother me. I was strangely okay with it. Maybe I was just desperate for a rebound, or maybe I really was into Nathan. He was tall, slim with a six pack (he took his shirt off once..don't ask me why cos I don't know), tan skin, golden brown eyes, shaggy brown hair that fell past his ears, a hilarious sense of humor and a skater sort of clothing style.
We were on and off from the beginning of March to the end of April. He broke up with me five times. My friends thought I was insane for always going back out with him.. The truth is I would've gone out with him a last time if he had asked. He was my first "official" boyfriend. The farthest we made it was when we WEREN'T dating, he grabbed my hand and let go. He sat in my lap. And asked for four hugs in one night. We had talked about kissing, but never made it that far. Before he left he ened up dating Hannah Lutz (my new best friend at the time).
You're probably thinking.. What the hell is up with these Hannahs?? Trust me..I was too xD Hannah L. was back and forth between Nathan and Nick (Nathan's best friend). Nathan moved away in early June. Hannah L. was now dating Nick. Cole and Hannah C. almost made it six months..Cole dumped her after meeting some girls at his church week retreat. Nick broke up with Hannah L. after three months. He had no reason..he was just being a jackass.
In October me and Cole got back together. We flirted around for three weeks and went out for one. He broke up with me for our religious differences.. I'm Presbyterrian and he's Baptist. There's not too much of a difference there. I wasn't hurt as I was with our first breakup. I laughed and called him a fag. He had to have Gabe (his new best friend) in the room basically holding his hand. Cole was the one upset this time. He walked around the rest of the night with his head down. Worst part ever, he was giving me a ride home.
Chapter Two-Living in the Past, Cole Davis.
My cutting increased to a weekly thing. I had an appointment with my razor every Thursday night. Whether my previous cuts had healed or not. In time I moved farther down my arm. This was around the time I met HIM.
I had recently rebuilt my friendship with Ashton Drury. She invited me to try her youth group that took place on Fridys nights from 8-11pm, Wayside. Eager for a chance at meeting new people I agreed. It took some major begging, but finally I convinced my step-dad to let me go. Ashton is one of those loud, outgoing people, that you love the moment you meet her.
Wayside was a HUGE church with lots of people. Yet, Ashton personally knew and introduced me to almost every single one of them. All of the faces were a blur that night, well all but one. He was a tall guy with light blonde hair that stopped a little below his ears, the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen, toned arms, and a smile that turned on my inner giggly girly side. A side I didn't know existed.
Ashton must've noticed me eyeing him up because she told me he was taken by a girl named Angie. Well, that sent me back to reality. I was a girl with a big nose, way too much acni, hiding scars under my long sleeves while longing for a guy way out of my league, or so I thought anyway.
Cole began asking Ashton questions about me. How old I was, what my interests were, and if I was coming back. I did come back. Cole started hanging out with us. When we went places for the church activity he always sat next to me. He brushed and bumped into me 'accidently.' I found myself making up excuses to message him on facebook by asking questions I already knew the answers to.
One night he told me he asked me out. I declined because my mom was against dating. We formed a relationship without the label. He was the first guy to put his arm around me. He was the first guy to hug me so tightly. He was the first guy to call me beautiful, hot, pretty, and gorgeous. He was the first guy to hug me from behind. He was the first shoulder I ever rested my head on. I was his first for all this too. Everything was going amazingly until March.
I was going away on a weekend retreat with my church. My lowselft esteem kicked in an I began to worry about the relationship between Hannah (my best friend at the time) and Cole. They had begun talking on facebook and on the phone..without me. Cole had stopped calling me as much, his line was always busy. We hardly talked on facebook because he always took forever to reply to my ims.
The Morph Weekend retreat was all about our self worth in God's eyes. I was amazed. God drew me closer and closer to him. My self esteem as well as confidence rose. After a good talk with my youth leader Luis, I focused on only the good times with Mike. I no longer felt the need to turn to the razor for every problem I had. That's what my best friends, God, youth leaders, and Cole were for.
When I got home I couldn't wait for Cole's call. It was the first night I waited for a phone call from a boy that never came. Hannah called me and told me all about the conversations she had been having with Cole all weekend. Including the one they had just had..he forgot to call me because he was on the phone with her. In fear of being rejected I called Cole the next day and broke things off.
He sent me several messages asking why. I never answered him. I did however make Hannah ask him if he liked her. Just for confirmation as well as to prove to her that she really did like him. I accomplished both..only it wasn't such a happy accomplishment.
I had recently rebuilt my friendship with Ashton Drury. She invited me to try her youth group that took place on Fridys nights from 8-11pm, Wayside. Eager for a chance at meeting new people I agreed. It took some major begging, but finally I convinced my step-dad to let me go. Ashton is one of those loud, outgoing people, that you love the moment you meet her.
Wayside was a HUGE church with lots of people. Yet, Ashton personally knew and introduced me to almost every single one of them. All of the faces were a blur that night, well all but one. He was a tall guy with light blonde hair that stopped a little below his ears, the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen, toned arms, and a smile that turned on my inner giggly girly side. A side I didn't know existed.
Ashton must've noticed me eyeing him up because she told me he was taken by a girl named Angie. Well, that sent me back to reality. I was a girl with a big nose, way too much acni, hiding scars under my long sleeves while longing for a guy way out of my league, or so I thought anyway.
Cole began asking Ashton questions about me. How old I was, what my interests were, and if I was coming back. I did come back. Cole started hanging out with us. When we went places for the church activity he always sat next to me. He brushed and bumped into me 'accidently.' I found myself making up excuses to message him on facebook by asking questions I already knew the answers to.
One night he told me he asked me out. I declined because my mom was against dating. We formed a relationship without the label. He was the first guy to put his arm around me. He was the first guy to hug me so tightly. He was the first guy to call me beautiful, hot, pretty, and gorgeous. He was the first guy to hug me from behind. He was the first shoulder I ever rested my head on. I was his first for all this too. Everything was going amazingly until March.
I was going away on a weekend retreat with my church. My lowselft esteem kicked in an I began to worry about the relationship between Hannah (my best friend at the time) and Cole. They had begun talking on facebook and on the phone..without me. Cole had stopped calling me as much, his line was always busy. We hardly talked on facebook because he always took forever to reply to my ims.
The Morph Weekend retreat was all about our self worth in God's eyes. I was amazed. God drew me closer and closer to him. My self esteem as well as confidence rose. After a good talk with my youth leader Luis, I focused on only the good times with Mike. I no longer felt the need to turn to the razor for every problem I had. That's what my best friends, God, youth leaders, and Cole were for.
When I got home I couldn't wait for Cole's call. It was the first night I waited for a phone call from a boy that never came. Hannah called me and told me all about the conversations she had been having with Cole all weekend. Including the one they had just had..he forgot to call me because he was on the phone with her. In fear of being rejected I called Cole the next day and broke things off.
He sent me several messages asking why. I never answered him. I did however make Hannah ask him if he liked her. Just for confirmation as well as to prove to her that she really did like him. I accomplished both..only it wasn't such a happy accomplishment.
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